A Reader’s Guide to Interpreting White House Reports

Amidst the turmoil of this news cycle I had a sit-down with Pandemic Journal’s White House reporter to get the skinny on how she plans to cover what will be, whatever goes down, a massive shit storm of obfuscation and misdirection.

I poured myself a tumbler of pure grain alcohol with a squeeze of lemon and settled into my Barcalounger. “How in the hell are you going to do it?” I asked her. “I’m counting on you to give our readers the truth, or at least an entertaining semblance of it.”

Here is her formula for cutting through the crap:

One, be aware of Kayleigh McEnany’s tell. If she says, “I will never lie to you” or refers to her stack of file folders, she’s lying.

Two, gauge the fear in Peter Navarro’s eyes. The man has survived years of being wrong about literally everything there is to be wrong about, and yet he has a job. If he looks like his next stop is a bread line, that’s a red alert.

Three, take the average of Mark Meadows’ and Larry Kudlows’ opinions and throw it out.

Four, if Rudy Guiliani appears at the White House and makes comments like “I’ll do for America what I did for New York,” start writing the lede for a story about an unsuccessful coup attempt.

And five, pay close attention to Twitter. Tweets from the president that lack words in all caps or exclamation marks suggest we are about to be presented with a Presidential Stunt Double, in which case the press pool should ask this potential lookalike the names of his kids. If he can answer the question correctly, we are in a full blown Constitutional crisis.