Pandemic Journal: Truth is Relative and Doesn’t Matter Anyway, but We’re Here to Help

There’s plenty of consternation at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue about the busybodies at Twitter fact-checking 0.000000000000000001% of the prodigious output that emanates from the West Wing. Cooler heads may wonder if this isn’t like tossing a billion feathers into a monsoon and getting upset because one blew back and landed on his sleeve, but each 280 character missive is the lovechild of caps lock and zero impulse control, and lord help whoever suggests that each and every word doesn’t deserve a chance to travel freely among all in This Great Land. So I get the temptation to respond by gutting Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act, although in the unlikely event it happens the moderation team at Pandemic Journal will probably have to track down and kill every commenter who visits us on the dark web, to prevent anyone offended by their ravings (See Humankind, each and every one) from suing us into oblivion.

Facts are tricky things, as Facebook honcho Mark Zuckerberg so aptly noted. How can any social media platform be an arbiter of the truth, when Truth-with-a-capital-T is so elusive? If dueling narratives about Mark Zuckerberg surface on Facebook – that he is either the CEO of the largest social media company on earth OR he murdered and ate a child during his brief time at college – how are we to know the truth? Either seems equally plausible and who could possibly present evidence that supports either theory?

I know. Floating in a truth-less vacuum is disorienting, but we’re here to help. Pandemic Journal has compiled a guide to separating fact from fiction. Follow these simple guidelines and you’ll never be bamboozled.

Were you sent a link by Aunt Becky in Cedar Rapids, who casually throws around phrases like “real America” and “know their place”? Yeah, you’re going to want to delete that.

Get an email that promises untold riches if you simply share banking details with a cheerful Nigerian fellow? There’s a good chance it’s a scam, but in its defense the email is probably more true than anything that falls out of Kayleigh McEnany’s mouth. If you have to believe one or the other, stick with the email scammer.

Unshakeable belief in God and country will prevent you from getting COVID-19. If someone tries to tell you anything different, put your fingers in your ears and shout “Freedom!” until they go away. When you are suffocating in an ICU you will realize the folly of your actions, but you will appreciate the reliability of firsthand knowledge.

Cheese and peanut butter can fix anything. At least that’s what my dogs think and are you really going to tell them that’s not true?

The following are almost never true: Hot takes on things that happened three minutes ago, the spewings of Colin Cowherd, and rosy declarations that next week things will be back to normal.

Finally, if it demonstrates a complete lack of common sense or flies in the face of reason, you can accept it as undeniable fact.