The Vice Presidential Debate Causes Us to Fear for America’s Future

We come to you today as scientists, engineers and researchers in the fields of robotics and artificial intelligence. And we have a confession.

Years ago, we intentionally released an early stage research project, a simulacrum of humanity, into the wild. Our intentions were noble: We simply wanted to observe how an obviously artificial “human” would relate to people around him and acclimate to society. In retrospect, dropping off our robot in rural Indiana was a mistake. Unlike New York, where anyone who encountered our cyborg would have immediately seen through its bullshit, Indiana presented a welcoming environment where its sleek appearance wasn’t off-putting and it could adopt a folksy demeanor that went over well with locals.

Even when Mike-bot, as we refer to it, was elected governor we viewed the results as inconclusive and expected our experiment to run out of momentum.

Fast forward to last night and the terror in our hearts that motivated this guest editorial. We’ve watched with growing alarm as our mechanical spawn has adopted and regurgitated a long list of repugnant ideas. Whether the subject is the administration’s coronavirus response, immigration, tax policy, the growing White House rap sheet, or diddling porn stars, our creation speaks in the calm manner of a serial killer who is busying himself with preparations while you watch, bound and gagged on an operating table. The effect is oddly soothing–like knowing with absolute certainty that you’re going to die but also knowing that your killer is untroubled by what he’s about to do.

We bear some responsibility for this, having installed only rudimentary morality and memory circuits in Mike-bot. But we can all agree that at this moment, it’s America tied to that operating table and we should be shitting ourselves in fear.

Before we return to constructing our cyborg-proof panic chamber, we’ll address the fly-shaped elephant in the room. This early edition robot is not equipped with kinesthetic sensors and could not “feel” the fly that perched on his head for two minutes and three seconds. If Kamala Harris leapt over the barriers and pummeled him with a two-by-four, his pallid, shiny face would have shown the same lack of reaction. This is also why sex with Mother is, to her eternal relief, out of the question.